We're very lucky.
Jack is the sort of child
we all assume we'll have
when we decide to have children,
and the sort of child
less experienced parents
congratulate themselves for.January and February 2004
March and April 2004
May and June 2004
July and August 2004
September and October 2004
November and December 2004
Blogs we read:
Tuesday, Aug. 24, 2004 - (Mamma)
Spoiled? Jack?
Jack's current favorite!
When Mama Comes Home Tonight by Eileen Spinelli
Quite a few of our friends belive that Jack is spoiled. Know what? Depending on how you define "spoiled", they are absolutely correct.
Jack is the center of our Universe and the hinge pin of our family. Dad and Mamma dote on him and we make no secret of it.
Is this a problem? It certainly could be! Growing up believing that he is the center of the Universe and the only one who matters would certainly be a very, very bad thing. The rest of the world doesn't much enjoy a brat!
When I was pregnant, I read a book called So Glad We Waited!: A Hand-Holding Guide for Over-35 Parents. I enjoyed the book -- though since it seems mainly aimed at first time parents over age 35, there was quite a bit that didn't come as news to me.
One chapter, though, was worth the entire cost of the book. In that chapter, the author ( Lois Nachamie) talks about the tendency to dote on and spoil a child who comes to us late in life.
That got me thinking, and got Rod and I talking.
Rod and I both adore Jack and love being parents, so Jack was bound to get a lot of attention. Would he inevitably be spoiled?
We don't think so. Not necessarily.
First, lets define out terms:
Spoiled, as it applies to people, is defined as:
-- "treated with excessive indulgence"
-- "having the character or disposition harmed by pampering or oversolicitous attention"
So we have several concepts here:
* One can be doted on -- paid a great deal of positive attention.
* One can be indulged.
* One can be harmed by oversolicitous attention.
Clearly, Jack is doted upon.
We don't believe he is indulged, though. Jack has relatively few toys, albeit toys that we consider to be of very high quality. That's the way it's going to stay. At no point will he be able to have whatever he wants. And as the toys accumulate--and they will, if only because different toys become more appropriate as he gets older, only a few toys will be available at a time. (Basically, he has six play shelves. If the toys can't be attractively displayed in that space, then some have to be put away.)
There are rules. Jack is expected to behave himself. We have not made our home particularly child-proof. Oh, the most fragile and most dangerous things have been moved out of reach -- but there is still plenty in reach that Jack isn't to play with. And for the most part, he doesn't. He isn't allowed to be rough with the cats or with Mamma. (He and Dad do roughhouse...that's a guy thing, I think.)
And while we do pay a lot of attention to Jack, Mamma and Dad are extremely fond of one another and find each other most interesting company -- we have many conversatins that don't include Jack and which he isn't allowed to interrupt. And that goes for conversations we have with other adults, too. (That isn't to say that if the conversation is long and Jack gets bored, he won't be a distraction -- he is 16 months old, after all. But heading off to find something more interesting to do is just a natural reaction to a conversation that doesn't inlcude you -- he isn't allowed to interupt and demand attention -- and he doesn't for the most part if there is a safe place for him to explore.)
And of course, as he gets older, there will be more rules.
That said, there is always the danger of being harmed by being the center of the Universe at home. But we have a plan.
Both Rod and I are from large families. While we have no romantic notions about a large family being the only healthy way to raise children, we are both more comfortable with that sort of family than with raising an only child. But we can't handle two children at this point in our lives. Jack doesn't have any cousins near his age, and his siblings are old enough to be his parents. (And his niece and (nephew?), who are his age peers live in Europe!)
So, we will arrange for Jack to have friends -- ideally he will have friends from larger families. We will have some of his friends over to spend time, so that Jack can experince sharing our family with other people and we hope that he will occasionally be invited to spend time with other, larger families, where he can experience the hustle of a big family and the hurly burly of running with a herd of kids.
That way, he can grow up understanding that in our little universe, he may be the bright star -- but that in the rest of the world, he isn't and that's OK -- it's as it ought to be.
That's the plan, anyway.
Spoiled? Yeah, Jack's spoiled -- but only in the very nicest way, we hope.
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