We're very lucky.
Jack is the sort of child
we all assume we'll have
when we decide to have children,
and the sort of child
less experienced parents
congratulate themselves for.January and February 2004
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2006-06-22 - 16:37
Television, computers, and kids
I raised TJ and Corey, my older sons, pretty much without television. Of course, I couldn't do much about the fact that the television seemed to play non-stop at my exes place, but I did what I could.
I would have liked to raise Jack entirely without television.
Current research continues to reinforce what I have long believed. Television is hurting our kids. Kids who don't spend time in front of the television are more active, more curious, and less easily bored. All of that adds up to...effectively smarter.
Computers may not be much better.
But...I've been this route before. Both TJ and Corey strongly recommend not making the television "forbidden fruit", and Rod is in complete agreement. And as a devoted, involved Dad, Rod has equal say, so Jack will have some television -- at least in the form of DVDs.
I am grateful that Rod was mostly happy to wait until jack was at least three -- most of the worst consequences of even small amounts of television seem to be a matter of introducing it too early. At three, Jack is perfectly well capable of entertaining himself, and is an alert, inquisitive, active little boy. At this point, I think a very limited amount of carefully selected screen experience might even be arguably enriching.
No, now we get to look for appropriate material.
I am determined to avoid mass market characters. (I realize that Dora teaches multiculturalism and an alternate language and Thomas has excellent moral and social values -- but I don't want to climb on the "gimme" train, and it's completely impossible to go into any store without seeing one or both on every kind of product imaginable -- virtually all of which are things we don't want or need.)
When Jack is older, there are vast numbers of truly excellent documentaries on just about any topic imaginable. The BBC series Connections is high on my list of "If he's gonna watch TV he has to see this", as is the BBC's Story of English.
But at the moment, those are far and away too involved for Jack -- he's 3, not 13.
I have thought about fairy stories and children's literature...but there is so much that has to be left out of a play (or teleplay). I want to wait until he's older, so we can discuss the differences and why they're there. I certainly don't want visual media to limit his experience of those stories. We will, of course, watch Harry Potter and The Lord of the Ring -- but not until after we've read the books together.
There are some things, like Baby Einstein, that seem to be "on the right track" -- except that they're too babyish, and the ones I have looked into are based on classical music. I wonder whether it wouldn't be best to keep music as something that one actively listens to...
One friend (Hi, Celeste!) suggested a very, very moving video that is music and scenes that take place all over the world in a way that allows one to experience those places wordlessly. That sounds very cool! But I can't remember the name...
I am also wondering whether there might be DVDs of Wild Kingdom, a Sunday night favorite from my own childhood. (My mother isn't the radical that I am about it, but the more I think about her oft-stated preferences, the more I think I got my ideas of what constitutes worthwhile entertainment from her. She loved Wild Kingdom and we never missed it.)
I know, I am probably making all this more difficult than it has to be, but as I think about it, the thing I keep coming back to is that there are things that the visual media is truly excellent for, and that one can't experience in any other way. If Jack is to watch television/DVDs, I want the experience to be enriching. I just need to figure out ways to find things like that that are appropriate at each age -- and the older Jack gets, the easier that's going to be.
Bullies and playground politics
I have been pondering this for a while. Twenty fours years, to be specific.
These questions tormented me the entire time TJ and Corey were children, and I never found a solution -- the kids just eventually grew up.
And now the questions are back.
Jack loves to go to the park. He loves to run and play and watch the other kids. He'd love to play with the other kids, and he tries, but there seems to be a "code of the jungle" that neither he nor I understand.
The younger children are often happy to play with him, but when he tries to join the games of children his age or older, he's snubbed. Older children even seem occasionally to single him out to pick on him.
When we were at the park earlier this week, an older girl -- maybe 7 or 8 -- rushed down the slide behind Jack to kick him in the back before he could get off the slide. He turned around, assuming it was an accident, and instead of apologizing as he expected, she made a face at him and then ran off shouting "Na na na na nanah". Then for a half hour, whenever their paths crossed, she taunted him again.
Eventually Jack cheerfully picked up the chorus and joined her in singing the taunt. I called him over and explained that that was a very rude song used by children to be mean to each other and that it wasn't an appropriate way to behave. He looked questioningly at the older girl, and I told him that yes, she was indeed behaving badly. But that it was up to her mother to correct her, and it was up to me to guide him in behaving well.
He went back to playing and gave the girl wide berth after that. I think it may have been the first time he understood the rudeness he experiences on the playground as sometimes intentional.
As it turns out, the girl's mother was within earshot when I explained to Jack, and within 10 minutes or so, she called her daughter aside and had a whispered conversation with her, and within another 10 minutes or so, they left. Maybe she said something to her daughter about her behavior? I don't know.
But this brings me back to the whole question of childhood bullies. I was a chronic victim of school yard bullies. Rod was a frequent victim of bullies, too. My older children spent most of their school years planning their "escape" from school to try to get home without being beaten up. I never found way to explain it to the older boys or to protect them from it.
The only solution I have found is the one I am using. We are keeping Jack home, where exposure to bullies will not be something he has to suffer alone every day. Oh, it's going to happen. Jack loves the park and the park has a lot of uncivilized kids. But the park is optional; if he doesn't feel like dealing with it on a particular day, he won't be forced to. It's not going to be day in and day out like it would be at school.
But I have been concerned about how to keep it from hurting him as deeply as it did me, and as I perceive that it did to my oldest son. TJ carries a lot of rage to this day and while there are surely many factors, I think that some of it is because he was bullied so much as a young child.
Though we were exposed to similar treatment, the bullying didn't cut Rod as deeply as it did me. Part of the reason it didn't was that Rod's mother was also bullied and teased as a child and she knew how to help him not to take it personally.
Jack has the luxury of his Dad to supervise a lot of his play, and Rod will know how to help Jack to keep from taking it personally - but I have a lot of trouble not being hurt when I see kids taunting Jack on the playground. I want to rush in and explain to them just how wrong that behavior is. I'm not an idiot, though. I know that jumping in to defend Jack is more likely to mean that the treatment will get worse any time I'm not looking, as the little brutes add "Mamma's boy" to the list of charges. Maybe not now...but as he gets older.
So jumping in isn't a real solution. Protecting him entirely doesn't seem entirely healthy, either. Just as our immune systems need the workout of exposure to germs to be strong, so our emotional resilience needs challenges to develop. But being a victim doesn't stimulate resilience.
I was commenting to Corey, my middle son, that is seems to me that some of the toughest parts of parenting never get easier...and we discussed this conundrum of mine. Corey was always somewhat detached from it all -- he ran from the beatings, but he saw that it made the bullies idiots, rather than taking it personally. How he knew to do that I have no idea, but he did.
He suggested that perhaps I should show Jack some episodes of nature programs that show chimpanzees and wolves competing for dominance as a way of understanding what these uncivilized children are doing.
(I did say I was looking for a healthy role for television in our lives, didn't I?)
The rest of what he said mirrored what Rod has said, but the concrete example of animals acting out playground politics in the wild made it finally make sense for me. It's so cool to have my own kids teaching me to parent!
Honestly? I'd rather that people would take responsibility for civilizing their children. But since I can't make that happen, I now have a way to understand how to civilize my own!
And just to make sure he understands that it's not personal, I will try to make sure that he plays with his civilized friends soon after every trip to the park. Rachel and Hank, and Connor, and Juliette and Alex all know how to play imaginatively and gently (if somewhat wildly from time to time). They are all being gently raised, and they play happily and well with Jack and share most of the same parental expectations. I think that having real friends is key to keeping Jack's self esteem high enough to protect him from the emotional damage inevitable bullies can inflict.
We're going to see an elephant!
My birthday is next week. Rod asked me in the car the other day what I wanted to do for my birthday. Jack announced that we should go to Africa. (See the previous posting.)
When Dad vetoed a trip to Africa next week, Jack settled for taking me to the zoo to see an elephant. So, I'm taking Monday off and we're going to the Toledo zoo to see an elephant.
I'm not entirely certain, but I don't think I've ever seen a living elephant. This will be fun!
